Big Big Week For Those Of Us Who Follow The Pizza News Cycle

First there was this bogus news story from Pizza Hut about delivering hotter pizza aka doing what ever pizza shop has done since the beginning of time.

Now we have Domino’s coming out with their Q3 earnings and the reactions from Wall Street is solidly mixed. Before I get into that though I just have to say…there is something funny about listening to actual corporate executives talk about the food chain that most people only go wasted after a long night of boozing.

Total sales up 14.5%…my personal read on this is that either every other restaurant in the US was closed for the past 3 months and I just didn’t notice or as a country we need to seriously refine our pallet. Come on people, I don’t even live in NYC and there are roughly 30 other pizza places within 5 miles of me that are better than Domino’s.

Patrick Doyle (CEO) on the earnings call: “Moving on to international, I would like for you to think about how old you were 95 quarters ago. Even though you are all very good at math, I’ll help you out a bit. It was nearly 24 years ago. That is now how long it’s been since our last quarter of same-store sales that weren’t positive.” If you don’t know, the same store sales measurement is huge for restaurant chains and retailers because it offsets the impact of just adding more stores to hide declining sales trends so this is pretty impressive. However, he had to go and explain it the way a new mom talk about her baby.

Me: “Oh that’s a cute kid, how old is he?
Mom: “Thanks, he’s 37 months”
Me: “The Fuck?” (pulls out calculator)

Like, can’t you just tell me using normal person age numbers? I don’t even actually careeee.

Two big tech announcements from the Domino’s earnings call.

  1. You can now order a Domino’s pizza from scratch using Amazon’s Alexa. The disturbing trend of it getting easier and easier for me to fatten up continues.
  2. They partnered with Ford on the first ever self-driving delivery vehicle. I HATE this idea and if you live in an apt/condo building you likely feel my pain too. How many times do you order delivery only to have the driver call you from the street and make you come down and get it yourself. That’s not delivery. it’s digiorno

And of course there were some good analyst questions at the end

Sara Senatore (analyst) I had a sort of a multipart question. The first one is just on your current advertising — the blood, sweat and teardowns. I’m just trying to understand who that is talking to. Is it customers to talk about your assets, or are you speaking to franchisees who — or potential franchisees? And I guess just generally what’s the message there? If it is for customers, is it about carryout? And then I do have a question about the competitive environment, please.
(CEO): Sara, yes, it is absolutely the customers, and it’s about carryout. And the environment in our stores is better now. All the people in those ads are franchisees in our system. They’re all good friends. And they’re proud of their stores and the way they’ve rebuilt them, and they are excited to show them off to customers.

It’s a Domino’s, you know what the best thing to do at a Domino’s is? Get out. Honestly though, as long as there isn’t shit smeared on the walls people aren’t going to care how the inside looks. No one eats in a Domino’s and if you do, you’re not someone who I want to know.

Operator : Your next question comes from John Glass with Morgan Stanley. Please go ahead.
Analyst: Thanks very much. 95 quarters ago, I was 116 quarters old. So you can do that math.

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