A ‘How To’ Guide To Swearing At Work

Although this is more so geared towards those of you who are just entering the workforce, it also applies if your changing jobs.

Having spent time at a number of different companies I can say that this is an area where things vary drastically from one office to the next. When I first joined the workforce, I thought no one swore at work because it’s a professional environment. What a fucking idiot I was, on my first day, shit got real in a hurry, I must have heard at least 20 F-bombs dropped.

So yeah, people swear at work…sometimes a lot. It’s just part of being an adult who is around other adults all day long and collectively doing something you all hate. This isn’t like swearing with your friends though, there are some rough rules and nuances as to how to master the art of swearing at work.

If you’re new at a company, hold off on the swearing in general for a few months until you know what the environment is like. Even if swearing is common practice, it’s usually one of those things reserved for “in” people. Don’t be the newb who comes into the office cussing up a storm on day 1. You have to earn your shites.

Similarly, unless you’re upper management (which I know you’re not because you’re reading this), don’t swear around someone more senior to you until you know them. Even if swearing is common at your office, best to not do it in front of him/her until you know whether it’s something they find acceptable.

Here’s your go-to assortment as well as some guidelines
Shit
OK– These sales figures look like shit, can you rework them?
Not OK– You are a piece of shit

Ass
OK– Man that vendor is really being an ass

Not OK– Kiss my ass


Crap
OK– similar to “shit” usages or “I had a really crappy quarter, need to step it up or I’ll get shit canned” that’s a twofer

Not OK– I’ve gotta go take a crap


Fuck
OK– It’s un-fucking-believable that he would make that decision

Not OK– Fuck you


Bitch
OK– ehh the sales guys are bitching that we won’t let them drink in the office before 4

Not OK– Karen you are being such a bitch


C*nt
OK– Ok Mary C U Next Tuesday
Not OK– just kidding, this really is never ok to use

Finally, you’ve re-learned the art of swearing and how it works in an office environment, but remember with great power comes great responsibility. As with anything, swears are best served in moderation, don’t be the guy who cusses every other word at the office.

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